it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How does it feel to date your dad?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize