So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
