Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
