So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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