i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
