Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
