After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
