so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
