How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize