i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
