I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
