Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
