I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
