I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
