threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
