This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
