Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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