Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
