my phone needs a breathalizer
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
