As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize