I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
