Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
