too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
