She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
