First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
