if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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