I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
