Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
