Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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