I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize