last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize