oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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