oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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