I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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