I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
