Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
