just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize