Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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