I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
