i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
