At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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