I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
