I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
