I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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