Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
