Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
