The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
