Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize