checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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