At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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