as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i will never coherently bang her
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
