It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
