I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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