My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
