Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
