I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
