hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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