your room smells of hookers.
And success
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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