Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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