I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No subtext here. People are naked.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
