my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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